How to raise a good human, be a good dad and husband.
Relationships take a lot of commitment and effort. It took me a while to learn how to communicate effectively with my wife so we’re fighting problems and not each other.
Babies really test your patience. They are hard to reason with so I have to keep my emotions in check and always be calm even if she is throwing a massive fit. But sometimes they really get your nerves when they cry non-stop for half an hour.
It’s been both great and terrible to be cooked up in a small flat with my wife and child. I’m always happy to see comments like this. I wonder if there’s a community for the M(o|u|a)ms/Dads of HN
- When she or I are upset, name the emotion at the earliest opportunity, e.g. "Hey, what you said back there hurt me, and I'm kind of embarrassed to be hurt by something like that but that's how I'm feeling right now..."
- This sounds like a bunch of whiny nonsense, but we've both found it takes a lot of heat out of a situation, and avoids a snide or sarcastic comment that might make things worse later. This is the slow-burn kinda situation.
- Sometimes there's no time to think about that and one of us just exclaims in anger or hurt about something. I don't know what to do about that; it just means there's a lot of work to do afterwards.
- Good luck :)
Edit: oh yeah, this assumes you're both ok having a difficult conversation in the first place. If implied criticism is a no-go zone, then... I wish you even more luck :)
most important is to come from a place of respect and to talk about the issue, not about the person. it should be about solving the problem together. never about pointing blame.
when i was still stuck in relationships that didn't work, most discussions were always about "who did (or did not do) what and why that was terrible".
these days we talk about what problems we face, what we tried, how they didn't work and ask each other advice on how to deal with the situation.
i had to learn to be more humble and own up to my faults (that was hard). i also had to learn to reign in my temper when i was getting frustrated. (that felt impossible, but turns out to be easy when the discussions are not personally directed)
and another thing that has a huge impact on our communication: we validate, compliment or appreciate each others efforts constantly. we talk more about the good stuff than about the bad stuff, and that really makes a difference.
and lastly: allow each other personal space when needed
i know this is not really "new knowledge". every talk or tutorial about communication will tell you similar things. but it is what works for us.
1. You can usually recognize when you’ve said something in a tone that you regret. Within a few minutes of saying it, try to preemptively and meaningfully say you’re sorry for that tone.
2. If you’re discussing a topic that one or both of you are very passionate about or that triggers high emotions, each person should stop and write down what the other person is saying. Then repeat back what you understood about what the other person said. This helps both people understand that they are being both listened to and understood, and usually calms everything down. (We’ve only needed to do this 2x in several years of marriage, but it’s been helpful each time.)
3. A tough one, but try not to discuss any hot button topics when one or both of you is tired and/or hungry and/or driving.
Finally, someone else in the thread mentioned high ratios of good/complimentary interactions to bad ones. This is very important. Be grateful for your spouse and show it, every day. This will go a long way toward improving most any relationship.
It's both joyful and really painful. I have a one year old and we are on 60sqm with no balcony. My wife is pretty far along on the ADHD spectrum, which has its upsides but is definitely NOT conducive to getting any kind of deep work done. We fight often these days if i'm being honest. Luckily we are good at moving past shit
My focus is on embracing our current state as the new normal and trying to be happy and calm amidst all the uncertainty. My son is blisfully unaware of everything and truly a joy to watch.
In reply to op: I'm currently studying (relational) databases.
You are not alone. I have a toddler and I am going through exact same situation. I can totally relate what you said. It's very hard, but I think slowly we learn to navigate it.
1. Does the diaper need changing?
2. Does the baby want a diaper?
3. Does the baby want to be held?
4. Maybe some clothing is uncomfortable for it?
5. Does the baby need to be burped?
6.
etc.
Walk through the list until something works or until the baby + you pass out. If you spend 2-5 minutes on each item it'll take maybe 20-30 minutes to go through it.
If it doesn't work the first time (and you haven't thought of / noticed anything else while going through the list...) then do it again.
It feels good to have a plan, it gives you something to do that might help, and for those occasions when nothing works it at least helps pass the time :)
7. Is the baby hungry? 8. Is it too cold/too hot for the baby? 9. Does the baby have a rash in the diaper area? 10. Could the baby be teething (may start earlier than 6 months in)?
I agree, it's good to memorize or even write down these things. Over time, one learns to move quickly through that list, and which items are more likely at what time.
(RE 8. it's easy to worry so much about the baby having it warm that you end up overheating it.)
Well, the reason to list those steps in the first place is because in between changing diapers, clothes and room temperature, one can actually forget about giving the baby a bottle. I know I did a few times :).
(It's easier now; mine is 8.5 m.o. and we've finally settled into a proper feeding rhythm, so we know when to give food by looking at the time.)
Relationships take a lot of commitment and effort. It took me a while to learn how to communicate effectively with my wife so we’re fighting problems and not each other.
Babies really test your patience. They are hard to reason with so I have to keep my emotions in check and always be calm even if she is throwing a massive fit. But sometimes they really get your nerves when they cry non-stop for half an hour.